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Apostles for Marriage

By Joshua Mercer 

A federal judge has overturned California’s marriage amendment, setting up a legal showdown over whether the government will continue to recognize marriage as between a man and a woman.

It’s a fight that we must continue in the courts and in our legislatures. But let’s not overlook the cultural renewal, as well, in which all Catholics must play a role. At a time when the very foundations of marriage are under attack, now more than ever is it imperative for us to build a culture in which divorce is scorned and husbands and wives are commended for loving each other.

Here are four things you can do for marriage today:

1. Stop the jokes that marriage is miserable. It’s been decades now since comedian Henny Youngman made a lot of people laugh with this line: “Take my wife – please!”  I don’t find the statement troublesome because of chauvinism; every husband and every wife have had those moments when they think their spouse is totally crazy. An occasional joke can help us not to take something too seriously. But an avalanche of jokes about the tribulations of marriage have left younger people wondering why people willingly enter into marriage if everyone hates it so much. No more “ball and chain” references. And no, not all men are pigs or dolts. Let’s act like we’re proud of our husband or wife.

2. Stop discouraging marriage among young people. Sometimes two people will fall in love in their early or mid-twenties. The absolute worst thing anyone could say to them is: “Why are you getting married so young? You have your whole life to live.” As if marriage isn’t life? Marriage is the ultimate adventure – packed with adversity, yes, but also full of joy. It’s like we refer to singlehood as dessert and marriage as the dreaded vegetables that we have to endure eventually. Let’s watch what we say and remember something: Marriage is joyful. Why don’t we want people to be happy and enter into this beautiful institution? It was created by God for us.

(It’s even worse when some parents or other relatives suggest – even encourage young people to have many more “experiences” with other people first. Why would encouraging sin be helpful? Just because the 1970s were crazy doesn’t mean that we all have to repeat these mistakes.)

3. Make improvement a goal in your marriage. Don’t live your life on cruise control. Most people use New Years Day as an opportunity for self-examination – it’s when we consider another career or maybe just a new diet. Some married couples have used their anniversary as a time to invest in their relationship. Recalling the moments that you first fell in love and all the early challenges you overcame together can also help you remember that with God’s help you can face the future without fear. But don’t just do yearly checkups. Do them frequently throughout the year.

4. Make family time a priority. Most people think it’s impossible to tithe – that they couldn’t afford giving God back 10 percent of what He’s given us. . The best answer I heard on this was to give God the first 10 percent and trust in Him to provide the rest. It has worked wonders in my life. What about other priorities? Carving out an hour every day with the family should be easier than 10 percent of your income, right?

Brian Caulfield, editor of www.fathersforgood.org (a project of the Knights of Columbus), recommends an easy way to build in plenty of quality family time: the daily family walk. Each night his wife and their two boys go for a walk and meet their neighbors, listen to birds and enjoy casual conversation.

“The benefits are many,” writes Caulfield. “Number one, it is a healthy family activity. We get fresh air and exercise, spend an hour with nature and one another, and get away from the computer, TV and telephone. When we get back home, we have some refreshments, then play a family game or watch a family video.”

The key to understanding family life is recognizing that time is not replaceable. How you decide to spend your time says everything about your priorities. By pushing back against interruptions and distractions, you will make family time a sacred priority. In addition, think about how many rising family issues (especially with your kids) you’ll see much sooner if you’re already carving out time with those you love.

Your children and spouse will notice. Not only will you know your children better, but your relationship with your spouse will blossom. You’ll develop a deep and meaningful relationship because you’ll have invested not just in “quality time,” but in “quantity time” – which today is more impressive given all the modern distractions.

Seriously, the ballgame can wait. Turn off the tube, put down the iPhone, turn off the computer… get outside and go walk.

These four tips won’t alone change our marriage culture overnight. And we can’t underestimate the damage out there. Sadly, the frivolous nature of many Hollywood marriages and the high national divorce rate undermine the notion of marriage as a lifelong life-giving commitment to each other. But with God’s grace, if we create solid and loving marriages, then we will be engaged in authentic cultural renewal.

And when we talk about the importance of marriage as a union of a man and a woman with our friends, family or co-workers, we must recognize the dignity of all persons, including people who have same-sex attractions. We must never engage in bigotry and ridicule. If we are to create a Civilization of Love, then become ambassadors of charity.

Gay activists and their allies in Hollywood and the media like to claim that they own the future – that future generations will universally accept same-sex marriage.

But the future is unwritten, and with God all things are possible. There’s no reason why marriage can’t be thriving 50 years from now.

If we truly believe that each child in the next generation deserves a mother and a father, then let’s get to work on marriage renewal now.

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The views expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the positions of Headline Bistro or the Knights of Columbus.